


Dear Diary

by GythaOgg



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Humor, Diary/Journal, Emotional Intelligence, Emotional Sam Winchester, F/M, M/M, No Smut, POV Sam Winchester, Pre-Relationship, Pre-Slash, References to Major Character Death, Self-Reflection, death is never permanent for the winchesters though, if so I will change tags, possible future smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-31
Updated: 2020-04-17
Packaged: 2020-10-04 07:15:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 2,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20467121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GythaOgg/pseuds/GythaOgg
Summary: A series of diary / journal entries by Sam Winchester. Some thoughtful, some funny, some annoyed, some sad. (I think I'm going to continue this, so please Subscribe if you'd like to see future entries.)





	1. Cas Hurt My Feelings

Dear Diary –

Cas called me an “abomination” today. I know he’s not great with tact and sensitivity and all that, but Jesus fucking Christ! That whole demon blood / boy-king of Hell thing really messed me up, but that was a long time ago. I’m a good person! I’ve saved thousands of people. I’ve saved the world a couple of times!

OK, obviously I’m not qualified to wield a Biblical weapon; I get that. Shit, if Cas doesn’t make the cut as a “servant of God”, at least for the purposes of killing the Whore of Babylon, then I certainly don’t. But “abomination”?!? Is that what Heaven thinks of me? What can I possibly do to redeem myself, for something that’s not even my goddamn fault?? OK, so I let the Devil out of the cage and started Armageddon once. But that was an accident!


	2. 14 Years of AC/DC

Dear Diary –

For fuck sake, why is Dean such an ass about the Impala?! He STILL won’t let me put a digital stereo in. We damn near LIVE in that car! I’m SOOOO sick of listening to the same 14 classic rock albums, over and over and over again. I don’t even like AC/DC!

Plus, I know for a fact that he likes pop music. I’ve heard him playing Taylor Swift and Lady Gaga when he didn’t know I was nearby. Fucker.


	3. "Profound Bond", my ass!

Dear Diary –

What are the chances of an angel falling in love with a human? I know Cas isn’t all that demonstrative, but this “profound bond” thing with Dean is getting ridiculous. They stare at each other All. The. Time. For no apparent reason. And not like awkward staring. This is really intense, prolonged staring. I half expect them to rush into each other’s arms, and violin music to start playing in the background! It’s not just me, either. Now that I think about it, a lot of angels (and demons, and witches, and even a few monsters) have joked about the two of them being a couple.

I mean, it could happen, theoretically . . . Dean’s always tried to hide it from me, but I know he’s into guys. And Cas is, “utterly indifferent to sexual orientation”. So, there’s nothing standing in their way, from that perspective. 

Wait – ARE they a couple?! There’s no way I could have missed that. Right? Nah. Dean’s still out there, chasing tail, at every bar and diner we stop at. He would never do that to Castiel, if they were together. My brother is a jerk, but he’s not a total asshole. And Cas would never stand for that crap, anyway.

But, I swear there’s something going on between them. If this shit was on Dean’s Dr. Sexy soap opera, the two of them would be screwing in a janitor’s closet before the second commercial break. Unless . . . maybe Cas isn’t allowed to, uhh . . . “fraternize” with humans? I mean, I know there’s a big prohibition against Nephilim, but that wouldn’t really apply here. Even if it did, Cas has rebelled against Heaven a hundred times by now (mostly for Dean, actually). Maybe he doesn’t think Dean’s interested? Let’s face it, Cas is not great at reading people. Can’t take a hint to save his life, and he promised not to read our minds years ago. It doesn’t help that Dean lays on that macho, straight-as-a-ruler, chick-magnet shit pretty thick. Maybe Cas doesn’t realize it’s bullshit, and he thinks Dean really IS only interested in women? And Dean’s so convinced that he’s unworthy, even if he’s head over heels for Castiel, he’d probably never make the first move. Bravest man on Earth, when he’s fighting monsters, demons, angels, whatever, but put him in front of a real chance at happiness, and he’s 100% chicken shit.

Or, I could be totally wrong about this whole thing. God knows I’m no expert on love or relationships. Maybe I’m imagining it. (But probably not.)


	4. Peen of Death

Dear Diary –

Why am I so cursed? Not the demon-blood thing - I mean the sex thing. I’m so, SO lonely, but nearly every woman I hook up with ends up dead. (Except for that year I didn’t have a soul, but even some of THEM died.) I honestly thought it would end when we killed Azazel, but then there was Ruby, and then Madison, and Amy, Annie, and Sarah. I just heard that Amelia Richardson died in a car crash a while back, too! And then Eileen. Man, I really thought we might end up together, long term. I gave up on the idea of a normal life with anyone a long time ago, but settling down with another hunter, that’s a different story. And Eileen was so great. She didn’t deserve what happened to her.

If I’m honest, I kinda have a thing for Jody Mills. Pretty sure it’s mutual, too. But it doesn’t matter. I can’t risk it; that wouldn’t be fair to Jody. Plus, I don’t know think I could go through all that again. I mean, statistically, she’s got a 50% chance of surviving any kind of relationship with me, at best. How fucked up is that? (no pun intended)

Did you know the Supernatural fangirls talk about this shit in the chat rooms online? They call my dick the Peen of Death! WTF?!?! That’s not funny! 


	5. Of all the things we could die from . . .

Dear Diary –

I’m officially starting to worry about Dean’s health. I know, what else is new? But this time, I think I have good reason. See, Cas just recently became human (again), and he’s staying at the Bunker with us. But get this: turns out Cas used to clean up Dean’s arteries, heart, liver, and kidneys, every time he healed him, to compensate for all the booze and pie and bacon cheeseburgers he drowns himself in. Cas hasn’t been able to do that since he Fell, and he was MIA for six months before that, so Dean’s not been healed in over a year. And of course, the idiot’s still eating and drinking like he’s 23, and it’s not like he ever sees a doctor, outside of a rare visit to the ER. Cas says his heart and liver weren’t in great shape when he brought Dean back after Hell, and now he’s been hitting reset on him for so long, he’s not sure how Dean’s organs will hold up on their own, anymore.

Wouldn’t that be fucked up? If, after all we’ve been through, all the near-apocalypses, all the deaths and resurrections and miracles . . . if the greatest hunter in the world ended up dying of heart disease?


	6. Mary (Mom)

Dear Diary –

Dean’s being a real dick about Mom. He thinks it’s cold-hearted of me, not to be concerned about where she goes, or when she’ll be back in touch. He acts like I’m a jerk for not obsessing over her, like he does, but he doesn’t get it. I never knew Mom. I don’t remember her AT ALL. (I mean, who remembers anything from the first 6 months of their life?) Even growing up . . . Dad hardly ever talked about her, even when he was around, so the only real stories I heard about her, were from Dean. But Dean only had 4 years with her, so his only memories are happy, little-kid stuff. He never knew her as a person, not even a little bit. He put her up on a pedestal and idolized her over the years, and even I could see that. So to Dean, he’s losing his mom all over again, whenever she takes off abruptly, or doesn’t answer her phone. He’s hurt, and scared, and worried. But to me, “mom” is kind of an abstract concept. She’s just a person. Hell, part of me sees her as just one step above any other hunter we know . . . extended family, maybe, like Ellen? But honestly, I’m closer to Jody than I am to Mom, and she’ll never even hold a candle to Dean, or Bobby, or Cas, as far as I’m concerned. So no, I don’t really mind that she didn’t stick around the bunker. You can’t miss what you never had, right?

I don’t think it makes me a bad person (whatever Dean seems to believe). And it certainly makes things easier. I mean, every time she doesn’t reply to a text or a voicemail, it tears Dean apart. Every time she looks at us, he’s disappointed that he doesn’t see what he wants to see, in her eyes. But that’s really not her fault – we’re strangers to her. There’s got to be at least some disconnect between her mental image of her sons (babies) and these two, full-grown, professional monster killers. Plus, she wasn’t there for any of our lives, so how can she really relate to us as her kids? She can read Dad’s journal, and we can tell her stories, but she didn’t see it. Didn’t live it. Especially the dark parts. It’s not like we’re ever gonna sit her down and tell her all about Dean’s 40 years in Hell, or my time in the Cage, or what I did when I was soulless, or what Dean did under the Mark of Cain. She knows the basic facts, but she doesn’t know anything about what we went through, or how it affected us. She doesn’t really know us, and she can’t – not really. And I don’t think she really wants to, anyway. If I had to guess, I’d say she just wants to go back to Heaven. And I can’t blame her.


	7. So, about Gabriel . . .

Dear Diary –

What if Gabriel’s not just fucking with me? I mean, his flirting is constant and WAY over the top, but he’s so outrageous about it, he can’t possibly be serious . . . right? Except, I’ve seen him interact with a lot of other people by now, and he doesn’t do that shit with anyone else. I mean, a little bit (he’s still Gabe, after all), but nowhere near the level he pulls with me.

How do you tell if the damn Trickster god is being sincere??

Because here’s the thing: I think I’d be OK with it. I mean, dating women hasn’t exactly turned out so great for me, and I’m a pretty open-minded guy. And Gabe is really kind of sweet, in his own, weird way. He’s pretty damn funny. (Obnoxious, but funny.) Alright, he’s a little short, but he's taller than most of the girls I've dated, and I bet he’s amazing in bed. (Come on, thousands of years on Earth, and a dozen Cas Erotica videos?) Plus, he’s an archangel. That shit’s gotta come in handy in the bedroom, right?

It would nice to date someone I could be honest with; someone who could know who I really am, what I do for a living. Somebody I wouldn’t have to worry about protecting all the time. Somebody who looks at me the way Cas looks at Dean. Somebody I won’t get killed.


	8. Just Don't Die

Dear Diary,

Just helped Jody with a werewolf case, and we stayed up drinking a few beers afterwards, shooting the shit. We ended up talking about Amelia, and when I explained the situation, she said she was surprised I was able to just pick up and move on after Dean disappeared to Purgatory. She actually seemed a little creeped out.

See, the thing is . . . I’m a little surprised too. God knows Dean was shocked (and hurt . . and pissed) when he found out that I didn’t look for him. Fight # 42,857. But what I never told him, was that I wouldn’t have survived that experience again. I think I forced myself to shut it out and leave my whole identity behind, rather than face the grief of losing my brother again. Compartmentalization, I think they call it. Because I’d gone through it all before; years ago. Before Dean went to Hell, even. Back when Gabriel put us through that Mystery Spot bullshit. Seeing Dean die 100 Tuesdays in a row was unbelievably traumatic, but when he died that last time, on Wednesday, and he stayed dead . . . I think I kinda lost my mind. I remember feeling like every single person I loved had died, like I’d lost literally everything, like I couldn’t rest until I found a way to get Dean back. Hell, I acted like Soulless me, now that I think about it. I was a single-minded machine, hunting down “Loki” at all costs, no matter what. Bobby was all I had left, and I completely iced him out. When I finally got my hands on Gabriel / Loki, I cried, bargained, begged him to bring Dean back. I was a basket-case.

In fact, I’m pretty sure it would have killed me to go through all that again. So, even when the hellhound came for Dean a year later, I was already learning to separate myself from it. I was upset, sure. I tried everything I could to get him back. But I didn’t truly process his death. I didn’t really let myself feel it 100%. Then he came back a few months later, and over the next few years, we both died and came back so many times, I think it just got easier and easier to file it away in the “temporary” category. Like a shitty situation you have to get through, or wait out, or distract yourself from, until it runs its course. Because if I ever fully processed it, really thought this was The End for Dean . . . Let’s just say I understand how Dean got when Cas died and went to the Empty. When we thought Cas was really, permanently dead, Dean was the worst I’ve ever seen him. He actually killed himself, and though it was technically for a case, I don’t think he intended to come back. And I get that, because that’s exactly how I felt after that Wednesday in Florida. If I hadn’t found Gabriel, or if he’d refused to reset the timeline and give Dean another chance . . .

See, Dean is the only real constant I’ve ever had. He’s always been there, always looked out for me, even when I resented him for it. He was more of a parent to me than my actual parents. He changed my diapers, made my school lunches, taught me how to shoot a gun, ride a bike, tie a tie, and drive a car (in that order). I don’t really know how to be me, without Dean. The two times I tried - when I went to college, and living with Amelia - I was mostly just running away. I shut down a huge part of who I am, both times, and just sort of . . . played house. Neither Jess nor Amelia knew _anything_ about my life. They both thought they loved me, but how is that possible, when they didn’t really know me? Dean’s the only one who knows _exactly _who I am and still loves me unconditionally. Sure, we fight and we kinda hate each other sometimes, but even at our worst, he would do absolutely anything for me. That’s something I can’t say about anyone else, not our parents, not even Cas.

I know that’s pretty co-dependant, but it is what it is. We’ve always been each other’s greatest strength and greatest weakness. I’m a little better at locking that down, maybe, but it’s always there. I know it’s put us both in danger a hundred times, but it’s also saved us a thousand more. Hell, it’s saved the whole world, a few times. And truth be told, it will probably kill us both, in the end. But so be it. I’d honestly rather die fighting next to Dean, than die of old age with anyone else. (OK, it’d be great if we both actually made it to old age, but come on, that’s not really in the cards for the Winchesters.)


End file.
